The Private Journal of Nymphadora Tonks
by Rubine Goslay
Summary: A year in the life of a loveable young witch. Follows Tonks through Book 5. OotP spoilers NTRL COMPLETE!
1. August

The Private Journal of Nymphadora Tonks-

Summary- Takes place during OotP. Contains spoilers. A year in the life of a loveable young witch. 12 Chapters planned, one for each month. Rather fluffy.

Chapter One- August

Hey, Journal. It's me, Tonks. Well really, who else would be writing in my journal. Today I met The Boy Who Lived! He looked just like I thought he would. So much like James, but with Lily's eyes.

I volunteered to be part of the Advance Guard, like so many others. Remus was there:sigh:. I tried doing my hair purple, I know he fancies the colour, but it didn't suit me so I had to change it back to pink. Oh Remus. Bet he has no idea how I feel. Couldn't tell him of course, he'd think I was barking. Had another dream about him last night. It was a bit racy, though. Don't know if I should tell you about it.

Anyway, we flew him to London. Oh, it was terribly cold, we were all frozen to our bloody brooms. And Mad Eye kept us looping about, thinking we were being trailed, so it took ages to get there. Don't get me wrong, I respect the man, but he is righteously paranoid.

Harry was happy to see his mates, Ron and Hermione. Bit of a thing, going on there I think. That little redhead doesn't know how in love he is. Can't wait to see what unfolds there. Kreature keeps calling her a mudblood, and Ron goes around the twist every time. It is sweet. Poor bloke, had no clue.

The meeting went well. Remus took the chair next to me again and I have to keep telling myself it's just coincidence. Almost annoying, having him there makes it hard to concentrate. I can smell his cologne. Still haven't figured out what it is yet. Kind of spicy, and woodsy, and rich. Puts me in to mood for stretching out on a thick furry rug in front of the fireplace and drinking deeply from a golden goblet. Kind of strange, I know, but remember, that is my field of specialty.

Wish I could figure out what sort of woman he fancies, then I could transfigure myself into it. But do I want to do that? Change myself just to please someone else? God knows I've been down that road before, and it never leads to good results. If only he could like me for what I really am. If I didn't have to fabricate or conceal myself, and he still could find it likeable. Right, keep dreaming, Tonks. Dignified men like Remus don't go for little punks who make pig faces over dinner.

I think Sirius knows how I feel. Never could pull the wool over his eyes. Actually, I've always like Remus, even when I was a small girl, and Sirius would have him and James and Peter over. Not that dear Mrs. Black had much tolerance for us 'by-products of filth.' Still, he was the quiet one, the gentle one. The one who would make Sirius give me my doll back, or tell James to stop teasing me. They were all big kids at Hogwarts, and I always tried to tag along. Quite the tomboy, I was, and I loved my cousin. Remus is still the gentleman.

Oh, if Mum was reading this. She wouldn't see any improvement. She'd say, 'First, you go after lowlifes and scum like those rockers and addicts, abusers and thieves, now a werewolf!' But Mum, he's not like them. He's a good man. And that's why I don't deserve him. But I can dream, can't I? Sometimes I think that's what sustains me, dreams. Fantasies. What I feed from. What I live off. Oh, damn it. Now I'm getting depressed. Well Journal, maybe it's time to say goodnight.

N. Tonks


	2. September

Chapter Two- September

URGH! Oh, Journal, you have to help me! Well, you can't. You're just parchment. Scrimgeour at work is starting to suspect me. It's not easy living this double life. He overheard me cracking a joke to Shacklebolt about the real location of 'escaped murderer', Sirius Black! Stupid, I know! I'm an idiot! Moody would kill me if he found out. And Scrimgeour's a git, always snooping around in other peoples business. I'll try to be a good little girl from now on. Always did have trouble keeping my mouth shut.

Yesterday we saw Harry and his friends off on the Hogwarts Express. Sirius came as Snuffles. We all knew it was a bad idea, but nobody had the heart to stop him. Everyone knows how he hates being cooped up, especially in his parents old home. I'd go nutters, that's for sure.

Of course Remus was there, but not much happened. I went as an old lady. Bit ironic, that. Suddenly, I was too old for him. Ha! Maybe next time I'll go as just a bit older, so I'll be more in his range.

It is getting to be around the full moon. I suspect that's why he was looking a bit peaky. Sirius tells me that except for an accident he had two years ago, he's only allowed the Marauders to see him change. So private. I've never seen a werewolf in form before. I wonder what it would be like to see him change… I wonder what it would be like to be so close to him that he would let me see him change. I'm not afraid. I don't care what he is; he's a good friend, and a dependable teammate. I'd trust him with my life. If only he's trust me with something. As long as it wasn't fine china.

Honestly, when I'm around him…I dunno, he's just so calm, and so lovely I find it impossible to think that he could ever be a danger to me. Not that he isn't powerful, he's taken down nearly as many dark wizards as Mad-Eye, who calls Lupin our 'unofficial auror.' It's true. In many of the years that he couldn't get a regular job due to werewolf bigotry, he worked as a bounty hunter.

I elicited this information after he'd been gone for a fortnight. I thought it was unusual for him to be gone for so long, you see, and I was worried. (Yes, and maybe a tiny bit jealous at the thought he could be with another woman, fine, I admit it!) He is a mysterious man, and I respect his right to privacy, but I had been going mad, so when he got back I asked him where he had been. He explained that it's what he does for work, and even though he's working for the Order now, Dumbledore wants everyone to sort of carry about their normal lives. This keeps our little organization from looking to suspicious so he still does it, sporadically. I'm glad I asked, and I hope he doesn't have to go away for two weeks again.

Bounty hunting seems like an odd job for someone with a gentle demeanor such as Remus's, but he is an enigmatic wizard. I often think about what his life was like after little Harry defeated You-Know-Who. Two of his best mate's dead and one in Azkaban. Must have been hell for him, on top of being an outcast. How can a person have faced that much adversary, and still be the way he is? Sure, it's turned a few hairs grey, and on bad days, you can see the strain on his face, but in his eyes, there is so much warmth. Especially when he smiles. I try to get him to do it as often as possible and at any cost.

N. Tonks


	3. October

Chapter Three- October

It is starting to cool off outside. I think we've seen the last of the sunny, warm days. Damn. I hope I got enough fun in before the winter starts. The leaves are starting to turn yellow.

Work is going well, or as well as work can go when you work for a ministry that is still too blind to send us after the real dark wizards, the death-eaters. For now, outside of the order I'll have to content myself to hunting the small-time baddies. There has been a sharp rise in muggle baiting crimes. This one bloke, Arnoff, caught him last week. He'd been plotting to magically reroute train tracks to cause a huge crash. That's a bit more serious than those dumb exploding toilets. Nobody knows if he has any ties to you-know-who, but he is a right flippin' nutter. It felt good to bring him down, like I had helped same all those people that could have been killed.

Sometimes it seems like the world is getting darker all the time. It bothered me a bit, so I went to go talk with Sirius. He's always happy to have company, especially me, his favorite cousin. He can usually help me put things in perspective, and cheer me up a bit. Amazing he can still do it after 12 years in Azkaban. God, I admire his strength. He told me not to focus on how much evil is in the world, just on what I can do to stop it, and he congratulated me on my arrest of Arnoff and said I should be proud of myself. Then he told me how frustrated he was at the state of his house, which is still cluttered with some stubborn dark magic. And I told him, don't worry about how contaminated the house is, just focus on what you can to clean it. Then he thumped me on the head and we had some fire whiskeys, and I managed to deflect his solicitous inquires about a certain werewolf and my possible feelings for him. Good times.

He told me poor Harry's having a hell of a time with the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Dolores Umbridge. I've heard about her. Quite foul and toad like, Fudge's new right hand woman. She's worked to pass horrible, discriminating laws that make it even harder for my dream lover to get employment. So, naturally, I hate her fat, toady guts, and if the post wasn't being watched, I'd owl the kids with my permission, no, my blessing to make her life a living hell. But they are pretty smart. I'll bet they'll manage to find ways to rebel. I just hope they don't get expelled in the process or Molly will have an aneurism. Speaking of Molly, I begged her to teach me how to cook. You see, poor Remus needs to eat more, and Molly's such a good cook, and Mum always said the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and well, I'm a silly girl. It took some asking, levering, coaxing, and then some down right begging, buts she finally submitted (not something she's got practice in) and agreed to teach me how to cook. We are starting out very small. Yesterday, I successfully made very delicious coffee. And the best part is I didn't break a thing! Go me! I'll keep you updated on this learning-how-to-cook-thing.

N. Tonks


	4. November

Chapter Four- November

Oh Journal, it's nice to be inside and cozy warm again. Even if I was having a lovely time…it's a bit too crisp outside. Definitely in heavy cloak weather. Most of the leaves have fallen to the ground, making all the roads look rather cheerful decorated in red and orange. I put my hair in those shades in homage. I love nature. I love hearing it crunch under my feet. Especially in pairs, and especially when the pair is me and REMUS LUPIN!

He walked me home today from the meeting. It was so cute, he was going on about how things like appariting can sometimes make us forget about simple joys like taking a walk. He said he had to go to this part of London anyway to see someone about a job, and could he walk me home. I almost died for all the fireworks suddenly going off inside me and still trying to remain composed. Well, as composed as I normally am. Can you call that composed? I only stumbled over two sewer grates and bumped into one lamp post on our way, and I think he only noticed the lamp post.

I think I'm even clumsier when he's around. It's harder to pay attention to what I'm doing when there is someone so wonderful, so much more worthy of my focus. Huh? Sorry, I was thinking about him again. Remus Lupin walked me home! I could squeal with joy. It can't be that he fancies me, I would die from shock. I'm so insane, just a little bit of attention from him and I go off the rocker.

And he looked so dashing today. I never knew anyone who could make shabby brown tweed look so good. Today he was wearing it with a soft gray sweater, faded green trousers and an old black cloak. I love that sweater. It just seems intrinsic to him. He was wearing it on Halloween.

We had a bit of a party at headquarters. Everyone was there; it was something of a blast. The first thing we did was carve pumpkins. I made mine all goofy and cross-eyed, with a lop-sided mouth and missing teeth. It looked a little like Mad-Eye. His pumpkin he carved to resemble a bull's eye. He's mad, our Mad-Eye. Oops, that was redundant.

Molly made a cute little face on hers and she bewitched it so it would wink its eyelashes at you. It was so adorable, Arthur saw it and had to kiss her. It's inspiring to see two people so in love after so many years of marriage, and after so many children. I caught Remus smiling at them reminiscently. His pumpkin he fashioned to be the silhouette of a wolf. No big surprises there.

Sirius made a scary face that kinda looked like a dementor, Dedalus Diddle made a happy face, and Emmeline Vance made something, but I'm not sure what it was supposed to be. Sirius was in such good spirits, as he always is whenever there's loads of people around. He charmed the pumpkins to tell scary stories.

It may seem frivolous that we, the members of the Order of the Phoenix, the front line opposers of he-who-must-not-be-named in an up and coming all out war of good versus evil, were doing something as goofy as having a Halloween party. Well, it was Dumbledore's idea. He said he thought we could use a bit of levity. Madcap, he is, but brilliant. What is it that Hagrid always says? Oh yeah… "Great man, Dumbledore." We did all feel sort of refreshed after it.

Work's been ok. Scrimgeour hasn't asked me any funny questions in a while, although he still watches me rather closely. Dirty git that he is. Very close ties to the likes of Fudge and Umbridge, that one.

Last week I helped Molly get dinner ready. She let me stir the potatoes, and I didn't burn myself or spill any over the stove. I even added the correct amount of salt! She was so pleased with me, she showed me how to make pudding. Eventually, we got it all off the ceiling.

N. Tonks


	5. December

Chapter Five- December

Horrible news, Journal. Arthur Weasley was attacked by a great dirty snake while on guard for the order. His poor family was so worried; his wife, and all seven of their children. Well, not Charlie, because he's in Romania, but I'm sure he was worried too. And not Percy, because he is a git.

He did give us a scare, but he turned out to be all right. I wish I had a family like the Weasleys. Instead I got dark wizards on one side, and muggles on the other. I don't think there's going to be a happy family reunion anytime soon. I do love my parents. Just seeing the Weasley kids run around, making mischief together makes me wish I had siblings. Then again, when the twins get going I think maybe I'm better off. Ginny says life would be lonely without someone to throw dung bombs at.

Her, I don't envy. Fancy having six older brothers. She's going with this Michael Corner character now, and I don't envy him either. Ron doesn't like him. Actually, all the Weasley boys seem to think Harry is the only one worthy of their little sister, but I think she's gone off him. It's hard to tell. For a fourteen year old, she's very good at hiding her feelings when she wants to. Wish I could do that.

At Mungo's, (this is stupid and I didn't want to tell you, but I am giddy thing) we were all there and about to go in to see Arthur and I said it should just be family first, so the rest of us hung back while Molly and her lot went in. Well, Remus just gave me this approving smile. My heart dropped a little, it felt so good for him to look at me that was. I told you it was stupid. Good thing you won't be telling anyone.

It's so dumb that I get worked up over a friggin' smile. And I still have pink hair. From time to time…today I had a green bob. It's like adolescence has never left. I'm hopelessly infatuated with a man way out of my league, and generation on top of that. I've been wracking my brains trying to think of what to get him for Christmas. The Order as a whole is doing a grab bag. But I want to get him something else, something special. I know it's silly, and he won't have gotten me something, but I don't care. It's just something I want to do. I've already gotten Sirius his present. I found it down Knockturn Alley. He'll get a kick out of it. For Remus, I was thinking about getting a bottle of Muttleberry wine. I know he enjoys it. See? Nothing big. I wanted to get him some new robes, but I didn't want him to take it as a personal insult. So maybe I'll just do the wine. That's a better idea. I hope…

I almost forgot to tell you! Don't know how I could, it's so huge…I guess it just got overshadowed in my mind by poor Arthur. Dumbledore has put me and Remus on assignment. Oh, Moody would kill me if he knew I was writing this down, but I've got a pretty good concealment charm on this thing, and besides that, I don't think the prime target of the notorious death-eaters would be my journal of private thoughts. Aren't real touchy-feely, that lot.

Anyway, our job is to travel north to spread the word that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is back, build and check on the resistance there. You know, establishing and maintaining contacts. Dumbledore chose Remus for the job because he's smart, sincere, convincing, and nobody there knows he is a werewolf, so he won't be discredited. Dumbledore chose me to go with him because there is a God. Well, that's not the reason he gave. He said it would be a good opportunity for me to gain some experience. Yes. Remus Lupin will help me gain experience. Is it possible to die of estrogen intoxication? I hope not. I'm trying so hard not to freak out. It's not working well.

We're slotted to leave in February, and come back whenever we're done. I've already told the Ministry that I'm taking a leave. Yeah, you can bet Scrimgeour gave me some nasty looks with his greasy eyebrows. He must be in allegiance with Snape in the never-wash-yourself club. Uhg. Dirty git.

With Christmas coming up soon, I've been working extra hard learning how to cook. Molly still hasn't given up on me, bless her. I think the trick is to slow down. Normally, I'm so full of energy that I just want to get it out by doing everything as fast as I can. In cooking, this doesn't do well. She's had me making deserts, and I've successfully made a tray of cookies, after realizing the concept that a higher temperature does not equate into faster cooking time. She says soon we can start on main courses. Cool.

N. Tonks


	6. January

Chapter Six- January

Dear Journal: Christmas was fantastic. We had it at headquarters. I arrived in the afternoon to help Molly cook. I did very well. I only broke one plate and burnt one tray of cookies. The crowning achievement was; I was left alone with the turkey for 15 minutes, and basted it properly with no disasters. Molly was so proud. I'm thinking of writing Mum to tell her.

Sirius, that git, he was so please to have everyone over that he hung up mistletoe everywhere! It wasn't just me that had trouble avoiding it, Ron and Hermione got caught underneath it. It was so cute. They just stood there, frozen, kind of like they wanted to kiss but were terrified of what the other's reaction would be. Bill was there, and he finally prompted them. He said it would be very bad luck if they didn't, and why not show a Christmastime spirit of goodwill. Succumbing to fate, they leaned in real slow, closed their eyes, and kissed ever so chastely on the lips. It was so sweet, both of their faces were beet red! Even Harry was smiling. I think it was their first kiss. I told you there was something going on there.

Well, mistletoe was virtually everywhere, like I said, Sirius got carried away, so there was a lot of pecking going on in general. Molly and Arthur stopped each other at least a dozen times, and even Mad-Eye grinned and forgot to be suspicious of poisoned-lipstick when he let Hestia Jones smooch him on the cheek. In one hilarious moment, the twins trapped Harry under a knot of mistletoe. Fred and George pretended to be fawned and flustered, then simultaneously gave a struggling Harry a big wet kiss on either side of his face. I think he was annoyed, but it didn't stop the humor of the situation from reaching him, and he laughed, wiping his face with his sleeve.

It was one of the happiest Christmases in recent memory. It felt like having a real family. After dinner the kids, who had already exchanged presents, went upstairs to play gobstones and us 'grownups' sat around the tree. I did end up getting Remus a bottle of Muttleberry wine, and thankfully, he seemed very please with it. He gave me a book of poems…

You can imagine my surprise. First off, I didn't expect him to get me anything at all. And, if I thought he would have gotten me something, I never would have guessed to have to do with my best kept secret. I love poetry. I don't tell anyone because it must seem so out of character; a big goof like me, getting all swept away with words. Sirius must have told him, that big oaf. Oh, and it's so handsome and it has some of my favorite ones. I wonder where he found it? Ohhh and how he smiled when he saw how euphoric I was over the book, his eyes were twinkling! Must have been the champagne. Well, I was also glad he didn't give me chocolate, which he gave to almost everybody else. That must be some kind of a running joke that I missed.

Later, when most had wandered off to bed, and the house was quiet, I went into the dinning room. I thought I'd take a load off Molly and gather plates to wash. On my way back, I bumped into Remus in the doorway. Where the bloody mistletoe was.

Oh, God. He was saying something and I don't remember what he said, then he must have noticed the expression on my face, because he looked up and saw what we were standing under. He appeared surprised for a second, then just absorbed it and the corners of his mouth turned up so slightly, and he said something else and I don't remember what he said and then he kissed me. _Remus_ leaned in and kissed me. It was quick, and friendly and light, but still, he kissed me. I thought it would qualify for a miracle that I didn't drop the pile of plates I was holding until I realized he'd foreseeingly put his hands underneath the load to prevent such an inevitable accident.

I keep replaying it over and over in my head. I think maybe my cousin was deliberate in his decoration rampage. Who knows.

New Years was smashing. I went to see the Weird Sisters with some of my mates. I was still thinking about Remus and I got kind of drunk, so I was hung over when I showed up for duty the next morning. Moody was there, he told me off while he made me breakfast and handed me some aspirin. Our own version of a den mother, he is. Sure, he's gnarled and ornery, but underneath it all he's as caring as Molly. Just not quite as cuddly.

Scrimgeour is even more suspicious now that I'm taking time off for next month's adventure. I wish I could be more like Kingsley, who somehow manages to keep his nose clean. But it's hard leading this double life. Still, if it comes down to it, my loyalties are with Dumbledore.

I can't wait to go. I'll get to spend time with Remus and do work for the Order. Business and pleasure at the same time. I am a bit nervous… maybe more than a bit, maybe a ton. Wish us luck, we may need it.

N. Tonks


	7. February

Chapter Seven- February

Blimey, it's cold here! The journey went smoothly and now we are in Inverness.

In the unlikely but ever-possible event that we are being followed, (constant vigilance) I've kept transforming myself, and Remus has used various disguises. At a stop in Leeds, I turned into a small child, and to maintain the front, we held hands while walking in the street. I should be a child more often. It makes a great excuse for the way I behave.

Tomorrow we have a meeting with the local Wizengamot. And while we're here, were going to try to appeal to the regional goblin clan. Trick buggers, they are, but we reckon we can get them firmly on our side if we reimburse them for the money that Bagman owes them.

Our first stop on this little trek was Aberdeen. Our mission there was successful. Nobody knew who we were, which was great, but they respected that we were envoys from Dumbledore, which was even better. So they listened to what we had to say. We gave as much testimony that we could, and of course, everyone knows who Harry Potter is, we told his story and that helped us convince them that you-know-who is back and a growing danger to England. Everybody paid close attention, and we think we had them believing us.

We worked with them a while to establish another branch of the Order of the Phoenix. The founder elected is a witch in her sixties who lost three sons to you-know-who. I won't soon forget her. Quite a presence, that one. So strong, and determined. I think she means to honor her children's memories by standing up to the force that took them away. Very moving. And she was really tall.

Anyway, it started out with about a dozen members, and hopefully that number will have increased when we check back on them.

Traveling has been wonderful. We've gone now to loads of places I've never been before, seen beautiful old buildings, tried some different foods, and all in the company of a very charming werewolf. Spending all this time together, at first, the prospect of it was nerve-wracking. But I'm doing this for the Order. Ha! Well, I admit, there's some personal gain too. I feel like I'm getting to know him so much better.

I know that for breakfast, he prefers jam on toast as opposed to butter, and he likes coffee in the morning and tea at night. I know he runs to keep fit. 12th Night is his favorite work of Shakespeare, and the happiest times of his life were spent at Hogwarts, first when he was allowed to go to school, and then when he returned to teach.

He's opened up to me a bit about his past, which up until now was filled with unexplained gaps. It was fascinating to learn all these new things about him, but I still felt that I had to remain guarded. I didn't want to return the disclosure. Because, well, frankly I'm worried if he sees who I really am, he won't like it. Sounds dumb, it know.

Occasionally, I'm brave and I'll let down my front and let him see me just a little bit. We were talking about the Bard; I made some smarty-pants comparison between Macbeth and Everyman. He seemed surprised that I could say something so astutely intellectual. Well really, I do have a mind for literature. It's so big it takes up the part that's supposed to remember to look were I'm going and wash my socks.

Oh, but I love the insight he's given me. At night, at whatever inn we're staying at, when it comes time to say goodnight, I whiff out of the bath and climb into bed in my overlarge nightshirt. I say goodnight quietly, not wanting any of my squishier feelings to show. I turn off the light.

He says goodnight graciously, and I can see him standing over his bed. He pulls his shirt off, and I'm caught by his silhouette in the moonlight. I know I shouldn't watch, but in the dark he can't see me looking. He tells me to sleep well, then seven hours later he's up making coffee and I'm still tired because it's hard to sleep with someone so worthy of distraction laying not six feet from you, shirtless.

Then I have to reprimand myself for being unprofessional and detracting my attention from the task at hand. Sigh…he's so beautiful, outlined at night. I have it recorded in my mind.

Turns off light. Takes off shirt. Gets in bed. Sometimes I play it back in slow motion. His hair gets swept up in his collar, then falls back past his eyes and grazes his cheek. The moonbeams coming in from the window highlight the few silver strands in his hair. His arms are raised over his head and he's facing away from me. Despite the soft lines on his face, his body certainly hasn't been subjected to pre-mature aging. He's in superb shape. A little on the thin side, though. It encourages me to get on with Molly's cooking lessons. Do you think he'd eat something I made, or would he be too weary of finding egg shell remnants? Well, I bet I could get him to try a bite. The next stop is Thurso. Hope it goes as well as it did here. Oy, and the full moon is soon.

N. Tonks


	8. March

Chapter Eight- March

Dear Journal-

Our stint at Thurso went ok, but not nearly as well as Aberdeen. We tried talking to the local Wizengamot, but they have strong ties to the Ministry of Magic, and that old goof Fudge. They heard us out, but that was it. We didn't come close to establishing another branch of the Order, which is what we were really hoping for.

Remus had his transformation yesterday. It was the first time I'd seen it. He'd taken the wolfsbane potion, of course.

I didn't mean to see it, I'd allot him the privacy, but the funding for our little rebellion are rather meek, so we can only afford these single rooms.

I heard a noise coming from the bathroom. I knew it was the full moon, so I knew what was probably happening. I couldn't help myself, it sounded like he was in trouble. I couldn't just let him alone in there and ignore it, even if that's what he'd have me do. I went in to help, and there he was, changing before my eyes. It was amazing, but it looked painful. He'd fallen to the floor, and I helped him on to his bed.

A werewolf, bloody amazing. He'd gotten taller and, well, hairier with more teeth, but he was still Remus. He seemed ashamed for me to see him like that, so I did something I've never done before. I've never even tried it before, but hey, it worked. I shaped myself into a werewolf. I concentrated really hard after focusing on his form, and imitated it in a female version. The idea just came to me. Didn't know how he'd respond, but I wanted to do something to make him feel better. I wanted to make myself suitable company, you see. He reacted well, although surprised he even seemed a bit amused, so I guess it did the job.

It was different, but it felt natural to be curled up on his bed, just us wolves, kind of studying each other and communicating what we could. As it was late already, we eventually fell asleep, leading to a situation of which I will tell no one. Journal, you take this secret to your papery grave.

I woke up from the sun shining on my face. I have reverted back to my, ahem, 'normal' state in my sleep. And I found my head to be resting on the very human chest of Remus, with his human arm draped around me.

Well, getting into trouble always was my specialty. Thank God I woke up before him! I scampered off to my own bed, and in my absence he rolled over and grabbed his pillow in his sleep. I wish I could have stayed where I was, but it would have lead to some sticky questions in the morning.

We had another meeting that day with a prominent authority, the local school headmaster. That went well, he seemed a reasonable bloke. Remus used a lot of fancy persuasive talk, and he consented to keep in touch with us.

Funny thing happen, on the way there, I think I might have seen Scrimgeour. I can't imagine what he'd be doing this far north. I'm not positive it was him, but it would have put my mind as ease if I had been shifted at the time. I know I should have, but I was tired from last nights stretch. Damn, I hope it wasn't him.

We'll be starting the return journey tomorrow. I'm looking forward to going home. I know my mates are waiting to hear from me. I'm going to miss seeing Remy everyday. I wonder if he would consider being called Remy an offense meriting a swift bite to the jugular. Well, I wouldn't mind a nibble. I'm glad we did this mission together, I got to know him well enough that I might actually let him see a bit of me. Not literally. But if he asked… See you at home journal.

N. Tonks


	9. April

Chapter Nine- April

Well, Journal, we're back home. And you'll never guess what. No, it's not good news. In fact, it's bloody rotten. It was Scrimgeour that I saw on the way to Thurso, and he saw me for the minute that I wasn't in disguise. I could kick myself for being so stupid as to let my guard down. What would Mad-Eye say?

The git demanded an inquiry as to why I was halfway across the country with a "dangerous half breed, violent werewolf, and a known Dumbledore supporter." I thought my best chance was to play innocent and dumb. I immediately began shamming surprised and embarrassed that they had found out about my torrid, secret love affair with an outlaw, and how I know I should have known better than to trust him. My acting was superb, but it wasn't enough to fool Scrimgeour. Guess he knows Lupin would never go for me. So I got sacked. Dad will be so proud. He hasn't ever really trusted the Ministry.

I can't believe it. Me, without a job. I've held a post since I was sixteen! Now, I don't know what I'm going to do for work AND I've lost a spy for the order. With me gone, Kingsley is now our only link inside the Ministry. Well, him and Arthur, who's doing much better now.

I don't know how I'm going to pay rent. I didn't save up as much as I should have. And I don't think I want to tell my parents, they'll just worry.

They never did seem sure that I could make it as an Auror. They wanted me to pick something easier, safer, but I was so determined. I've wanted to be an Auror ever since they took Sirius away. I knew they had the wrong man, Sirius could never kill anyone. I wanted to protect the innocent, like no one had done for my cousin. I struggled for years, kept my marks up, and when I finally made it, they were so proud, they said they would never doubt me again. So much for proving myself, right?

I expect they'd want me to move back in with them so they can protect their idiot daughter from the outside world.

The Order is disappointed, but they understand. Remus, he's so sweet, he feels so responsible for the whole thing. I haven't told him that I tried getting off the hook by pretending that we were lovers, and I think I can let that little ( ok, huge) fib remain omitted. I don't know how he'd react, if he'd be insulted or what. Kingsley heard about it, and he'd better keep his mouth shut if he knows what's good for him. Ginny taught me her infamous bat-bogey hex.

I know that the only thing I've been properly trained to do it do hunt dark wizards, and that getting sacked has been a major blow, but I can only mope around for so long, and eventually I'm going to have to wash up and go job hunting. I suppose I could look to see who's hiring in Diagon Ally. I could be a bar maid at the Leaky Caldron, but I reckon I'd break more glasses than my wages could pay for. We'll see, we'll see. I'm a big girl. I can stand on my own two feet, and I'll make it somehow.

N.Tonks


	10. May

Chapter Ten- May

Well, dear diary, there's good news and bad news. I got a new job working at Florean Fortescue's, selling ice cream. It's not glamorous, but I get wages and all the double-chocolate sundaes I can eat. Florean's really nice and knows a lot about medieval history. The bad news ( sort of bad news ) is the pay isn't enough to afford rent. I was scrambling to find a cheaper apartment, and Remus found out. I guess he's got connections in the ice cream world. He insisted that I move into number 12. I resisted, but he can be very persuasive.

He came over to my flat to help me pack. I wished I'd remembered to pick my knickers off the floor. They were my sexy black lacy ones with a tiny bit of hot pink ribbon on the side. He saw them and found himself having to clear his throat, sounding hoarser than usual when he asked where we should start.

Catching him glancing at my underwear, I must say was really empowering, sexually. I flashed a devilish grin at him, and said seductively, "Maybe we should get started in the bedroom." What's the harm in flirting a little?

He smirked at me in his sweater vest, grabbed a box and said, "Very well, Nymphadora." I don't know if calling me by that awful name was his way of getting back at me or what, but I scowled playfully and told him that next time, there would be serious consequences.

So, of course he was going to use it to tease me again. I was practically asking him to. He is distinguished, but that doesn't stop him from taking pleasure in getting under my skin. He is Sirius mate, after all. So we spent the afternoon packing up my things and exchanging jests and jabs, when finally I had to take it up to the next level. Remus had asked, "Nymphadora, where do you keep your spellotape?", after consecutively asking, "Nymphadora, do you have any Mrs. Skower's All Purpose Magical Mess Remover, and "We're nearly out of boxes, Nymphadora."

Maybe it was really getting to me, or maybe it was his trousers being a trifle snugger than normal, or maybe Venus was retrograde in my third house. I don't know what made me do it, but I did. I slapped his ass, smartly.

He looked at me, his expression one of shock. I wilted slightly, saying I told him there would be consequences. Before I knew it he had me and was holding me bent backwards in a kind of dip. I never knew he could move so fast; he outstripped my Auror's stealth.

Face to face, his nose an inch from mine, his hand held my wrist with his thumb pressing into my palm, his other arm supporting my back and his legs were so that they prevented the movement of mine. My eyes must have been very wide. Leaning over me, without a hitch in his breath, he said, "You'd better be careful, 'Dora, when teasing a werewolf." I wanted him to kiss me, like he has kissed me on Christmas, but harder this time, and not quite as sweet. Ah, but I shall never know what might have happened, as my dear cousin choose that moment to apparate in to see how that packing was going.

Remus almost dropped me and actually blushed, a little bit. I said something about how we were nearly done, and Sirius, having surmised the situation just gave out a great bark-like laugh, his trademark, deep from the belly. It's always good to hear him laugh. I did too, when I saw the pink on Remus's cheeks. A touch embarrassed myself, well, more disappointed, I excused myself from the two marauders, saying I had to check on my room at Grimauld place, and I apparated away, presumably leaving Lupin to be roasted. Sorry, love.

I think we'll be happy, the three of us, living together.

N.Tonks

AN- Yay, I finally updated! I also went back and cleaned up some of the earlier chapters. Give me some reviews, please! Did you like this chapter? I must know.


	11. June

Chapter Eleven- June 

Dear Journal-

I woke up today in St. Mungo's. Something terrible has happened. I still feel bloody foggy, but I know that yesterday we all got the golden feather from Fawkes. We knew to touch it, as Dumbledore said, and we'd be apparated to wherever he wanted us. It took us to the Department of Mysteries, at the headquarters for the Ministry of Magic. All of us; me, Kingsley, Remus, Moody… and Sirius.

We got there just in the nick of time. The Death Eaters were there, and they were about to close in on none other than Harry. He somehow got there from school with his friends, and landed himself the prophesy. At the time, he was trying to stop it from getting stolen.

Malfoy was the closest to Harry, so I blasted the git, and then I started sparring with my dear Aunt Bellatrix, who had nearly taken my head off with a Slasher Spell. Dolohov attacked Moody, who then made an attempt to get at the prophesy. I went to stop him, but Bellatrix blocked me. That's the last thing that I remember happening.

Kingsley says I fell from halfway up the stone steps. Guess that explains the broken arm, and this bump on my head. The Healers here really can work wonders, my arm is fixed, and they say I'm set to go home tomorrow. And that's important, I need to get back to headquarters, and, well, I need to talk with some people. I just wish this bloody headache would go away.

Moody came by earlier. He asked how I was feeling, and didn't criticize me for letting my guard down. I was already suspicious at that, then he took off his bowler and came next to me bed, and I knew it would be no good news.

He told me that Sirius took up my fight with Bellatrix. She shot a stunner at him, and it hit him in the chest. He fell backward, toward the arch, and it sent him through the veil on the dais.

I can't believe it…Sirius is dead.

I feel numb from head to toe. My thoughts are frozen. I'm itching to get out of here, to run away, to find out the truth. And to cry…I don't want Moody to see me cry.

How can Sirius be dead? How can my cousin be gone? I need to get back to Grimmauld Place. I have to find out what's happening.

Moody also says that Remus is missing. Reckons he's gone off too lick his wounds, after Harry's back safe at Hogwarts. I want to know where he is, I want to be with him. He shouldn't be alone now. If I do know Remus, he's gone off exclusively for the purpose of being alone. He doesn't want to expose his pain to anyone, he wants to keep it all inside, but he can't, so he's run off until it's back under control. I need to find him, to help him let it out.

Oh, and poor Harry. He's lost his godfather. I just can't believe it… I've got to floo my Mum. I don't know if anyone's told her.

Let me think, let me think...Harry's back at Hogwarts with Dumbledore and his mates to look after him. They're all ok, thank Merlin. It sends chills down my spine to think that You-Know-Who was really there. And I, a fully trained, Ministry of Magic certified auror, will only admit this to you, journal, it scares the hell out of me. I mean, he is the epitome of evil. The defining force that we are fighting against and he was really there. And now he's on the run again. Only now, everyone is going to know.

Moody says Fudge himself was there, and he can't deny it anymore that he's back. Thinking about how the public is going to react to that makes me want to stay in bed. Are people going to panic? How are they going to take it when they hear that the Dark Lord has returned? It's going to be a right mess out there.

And Kingsley, he was in charge of the hunt for Sirius. Now that the minister knows they both showed up together at the Department of Mysteries, what's going to happen to him, when he finds out he's been working along side the man he was intended to capture? Gods, only Dumbledore can save that man now.

So many new questions. I've just been awake a few hours, and it feels like a whole day has gone by. Moody's coming back in an hour, I'm gonna talk him into helping me get out of here now. There is too much stuff I have to do. I need to find Remus.

N.Tonks

AN- Comments? Questions? Criticism? Review!


	12. July

Chapter Twelve- July 

Dear Journal-

To my annoyance, no amount of begging and pleading my case could sway Moody into helping me get out of hospital. He was stubbornly convinced that it was the best place for me, and said he wouldn't hear of it. He said he was sorry for my loss, but it was no excuse for such irrational behavior. It would be neither constant nor vigilant.

Then, as luck would have it, Moody was called away to help Dumbledore, and good old Dung showed up. I don't think I'd ever been so pleased to see him. A person of loose moral character was just what the healer ordered, and I was able to enlist his underhandedness to help me get out a little early. I morphed into another patient, while Dung created a distraction. Perfect.

I don't know what drew me to it, but as soon as I escaped from St. Mungo's, the first place that I went to was the Shrieking Shack in Hogsmeade. Sirius had told me that that it used to be Remus's old, um, hide-a-way, so I apparated there straight away. At first, I just stood outside it. It's a ruddy old dilapidated-looking house. Splintery, faded old boards were nailed up over all the dirty, shattered windows. Rusty panels hung off at the hinges. It looks like no one had lived there for about a hundred years, it's enough to give you some serious goose pimples.

I've seen it before, of course, my friends at school had dared me to go inside. But that was when I thought it was 'the most haunted site in England', before I knew the truth. Dumbledore had it build ages ago, when Remus was in school. He was taken there for his monthly transformations, to make sure he didn't hurt anyone, and to ensure his secret. Imagine what the reaction would have been if his classmates had found out they'd been going to school with a werewolf. Poor Remus. Life must have been so hard for him. Not that this day had brought any brightness. I remembered my task, stopped gawking at the façade, and pushed my nerves up to apparate inside.

I did, and sure enough, there he was, sitting on the bed with his head in his hands. I think I scared the shit out of him. He seemed quite taken aback that he would find anything human there. What happened next is weird to describe.

He looked up immediately and saw me; we both froze. I took in the state he was in after losing his best friend, his last surviving schoolmate, the last faithful marauder. He looked completely torn apart. I could tell from his face, he was touched, and at the same time upset that someone had intruded on his private display of grief. But I knew why I was there, I knew I had a purpose in seeking him out. I was worried about him, damn it. He didn't need to be alone right then, what he needed was a friend, and I needed to know that he was going to be ok. As ok as ok could be, considering that we had both just lost Sirius.

Approaching him in this state seemed difficult, but I did what came naturally to me, considering my feelings for this man. I went and sat down next to him. I put my arm around him, and he looked at me through reddened eyes. At first, I could tell he was evaluating me, judging me. He searched my eyes wearily for any traces of pity, what he would hate to see, and when he found them clean, he drew me into a silent hug that time stood still for.

We just sat on that bed, the bed he slept on as a teenager, and held on to each other, grief erasing formality, self-consciousness. My head was tucked into his shoulder and I rubbed his back. I felt his tears fall against my temple and I'm sure he felt mine. He rocked me gently, making me feel so close to him. I didn't know that grief could be so intimate. Yet it was painful, to let out the emotions that had been quietly swelling up inside me all day. I could finally weep unrestrainedly, it felt like such a beautiful release. The pair of us, it was like we had become the sole source of gravity for the other person, and without one another, we would surely fly from this world.

It was sometime after the sun had started to set before he spoke. He said he checked up on me in St. Mungo's before he came to Hogsmeade, but I was still asleep. He asked me how I was feeling and he became instantly concerned when I told him that I had Dung sneak me out early. Guiltily, he looked me deep in the eye, felt my forehead, checked my pulse, and squeezed up and down my arms diagnostically. It almost made me laugh, and I assured him I was fine. Still, he seemed to think it best that we return to Grimmauld place. Headquarters. Where everyone was going to be. For some reason I didn't want to face them. It would make it real again...I dunno.

He took my hand, squeezed it reassuringly and we apparated. Ok, so maybe I wasn't feeling totally fine, because the strain of apparating a third time made me black out, and I collapsed when we landed at Grimmauld place. I think Remus swept me up and he must have carried me to the couch in the drawing room. Dung poked his head in, which was the wrong thing to do, and Remus cursed him out a bit. Something about he nearly helped me splinch myself. That stunned me, he's usually so easy-going on his friends. But it's been a tense time for everyone. All that commotion brought Molly into the room, who looked me over. The poor woman looked as strained as I must have been. I later learned that her two youngest children were also injured at the department of mysteries, Ginny and Ron. They're both ok, though, thank Merlin. To my great relief, she determined that I didn't need to go back to hospital, and that all I needed was a long rest.

At her words, Remus's tired, weary face drew close to mine, and he picked me up once more, to bring me upstairs to sleep, unwilling to hear any argument from me. I wasn't about to issue one; I really did feel ready for bed at that point. He took me to a guestroom and set me down. He transfigured my clothes (which I had transfigured earlier from the hospital gown) into pajamas.

He looked troubled and told me that I never should have snuck out of St. Mungo's. He said he wasn't worth it and I laughed at him. It was completely worth it, I told him. Just the knowing that he was ok was merit enough. He planted a kiss on my forehead, his closeness bringing his wonderful woodsy smell, relaxing me enough to send me to the brink of sleep. He sat down in a bedside chair, and my awareness of existence came to a close for that day. He was still there when I woke up.

That was a pleasant surprise. I can't believe he spent the whole night there, it must have been terribly uncomfortable. He was still asleep when I came to, or at least I thought he was. His face was relaxed, he was leaning back in the chair, his breaths rising and falling rhythmically. I said his name, testing him, and he lifted his eyelids.

"Wotcher, Remus."

"Hmm?" He stirred. "Tonks. How are you feeling?"

"Much better," I smiled. "Much better."

We had a memorial service the following week. The whole order was there, and then some. I was late because I brought my parents.

I apparated to their house so I could hook up their flu, which they had long ago disconnected. I knew it would be hard for my mum to go there again. It was hard for me the first time back. I was late because we argued a bit. Mum never likes the way I wear my hair.

When we got there, and they found Dumbledore and started talking with him. I spotted Remus from across the room. He sat looking reflectively out of the window. Once again, I went to sit down beside him. He didn't look at me at first, but he took my hand and said, "Sirius loved you well, you know. He always said how proud you made him." Then he looked me in the eye, and they held a special warmth, as if his thoughts were light years away. I watched him with interest and he continued.

"You know, some time ago, a rather long time ago, when the four of us were at Hogwarts, spending long nights out by the lake, watching the giant squid roll by in the moonlight, he asked me that if anything were to happen to him, he wished me to look after you. I promised him that I would." He paused and stared contemplatively out into space. "He really cared for you, you know. Always thought of you as a sister. Then, just last week, before we apparated to the mission, he reminded me of that promise. And I intent to keep it."

That stirred up some feelings in me, on a day that they were already difficult to control. I wanted to tell Remus that I was grown now, and that I didn't need a guardian, but I didn't want to take away from the promise he made to my cousin. And I didn't even know exactly what he meant. On what level did he intend to uphold this vow? Up to what degree did I want him to? Was he saying this just out of remorse? It's Remus, for Merlin's sake. The man I've had a wholly unruly crush on for years. How was this going to affect our friendship? I chastised myself for letting these thoughts flood me at Sirius's 'funeral', and I decided I'd have to push all that aside for now. At what Remus told me, it touched me to know that my cousin cared for me so much. He gave me a hug and the ceremony commenced.

It's been a long time since I lost a family member. And before, it was complicated, with our disjointed relation to the family. Mum marrying a muggle, and then producing a half-blood like me didn't exactly get us invited to Christmas dinner at the Black house. Still, they were family, and I noted when one of them died. Then when I think that it was my own Aunt that killed him…she killed her cousin. How can you murder a member of your own family? What kind of family does that! None that I want to be a part of, and I've never been more glad to have been excluded from the righteous bastards. If we didn't need Grimmauld place for Headquarters, I'd burn it to the ground without a second thought. I think Sirius would have approved.

The world is a different place now than it was last week. The ministry has finally realized the truth. It's funny, but because of that, it's become more real to me. Our little underground rebellion doesn't have to be quite so secretive anymore. Well, Moody's not going to change, bless him, but at least Dumbledore can cooperate with Fudge now. Speaking of which, I found out yesterday that I'll be getting my job back. But with Sirius gone, that good news rings rather hollow.

I wonder what the coming year holds for us. Until next time, journal, I am sincerely yours...

N. Tonks


	13. Epilogue: Contrast

AN- Back at last! This chapter is here to kind of summarize and close off everything for now. It is not in the same format. Actually, this chapter could almost be read independently. I wanted to write it to really prove this ship. It is one chapter with two interloping flashbacks. I lined off the flashbacks to make them clear.

Chapter Thirteen- Epilogue: Contrast

The antiquated drawing room at Grimmauld place had seen many things in its time. It had been a house that was once the so-called noble domain of the Blacks, a pureblooded wizarding family.

Here, politics ruled and a family of prejudice reigned. Under the roof of this house, plots most terrible hatched, secrets most poisonous festered, and alliances most foul were made. Dark times of power it had seen.

And now, the once luxurious, currently peeling walls, were silent witnesses to something that this weathered house had never seen before. Two people, falling in love.

Remus Lupin sat on the couch by the fireplace, calmly reading the newspaper. From the well-worn soles of his shoes, to the silver that prematurely threaded his hair, it was noticeable that life had taken its toll on this man.

The one exemption that did not carry signs of this burden was his eyes. They were light, shining and open, especially when they set on the creature that had just walked in the room.

She ambled in sleepily, wearing bright blue pajamas patterned with absurd yellow ducks, attire entirely in contrast to the man's more serious and dignified browns. She yawned largely, stretching her arms.

Flaming crimson hairs lay stuck to her head at odd angles, she blinked at the man on the couch. "Wotcher, Remus."

"Good morning, Tonks. Nice to see you're up. I thought you were going to sleep the whole day away." A smile crinkled the corners of his eyes as she flopped down next to him.

"Oy, come on. It's the bloody weekend. They were made for sleeping in. You should try it sometime, it's lovely. Gods, you're even dressed already. Have you been out?"

"Yes, Dora. I had an early meeting with Dumbledore. Apparently Harry is having his shortest stay ever at the Dursleys."

"Oh dear. He's not in trouble, is he?"

"Not by his standards. Would you like some coffee, love?"

"Hmm? Oh, sure." It always threw her off when he said that. Love. He never said it to anyone else. Why to her? What did it mean?

He levitated a cup of coffee into the room from the kitchen, and thought to himself, why did he care so much for this girl? She was crazy, from her obscene hairdos to her wild expressions and changes. And yet he loved her dearly. Why?

Because she brought so much light into his shaded life. Prejudice and discrimination he had know throughout his entire life, as he was a werewolf, having received the bite as a small boy. It was a tribulation he was afflicted with against his will that ultimately complicated and limited his life.

Werewolves were considered outcasts, too dangerous to be a part of society, too much of a risk to let into schools. If it hadn't been for Dumbledore, his brilliant mind might have gone to waste.

Loss. That was another fiend he knew too well. The friends he had managed to make, who weren't scared away by his imbroglio, seemed to have been systematically picked off. The people who really cared about him were all taken away.

The loss of James and Lily. The betrayal of Peter, Wormtail, someone he thought to be a friend. The death of Sirius, his last surviving schoolmate had hit him hard, and she had been there for him. She stood by his side and brought meaning into his life, formally one of complete solitude.

Presently, she took the coffee into her hands and drank. Tonks knew that her Mum would disapprove that she fancied an older man, but she didn't care.

She lived a life of danger, and this man had experience. He could help her. He knew so much. He possessed so much patience for her; a gawky young thing. Nobody else had that kind of tolerance that she needed, the guidance that she so desperately craved.

In her mind, she treasured the recent memory of a field mission.

Dumbledore had sent them after a newly discovered Ministry leak. He was the informant that had helped the Death Eaters get close to the prophecy.

It was a sensitive and highly volatile mission. He had practically caused what happened at the department of mysteries, when everything went down with Sirius. He was enjoying his short-lived freedom. There was no way they were going to let him get away.

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It was just her and Remus. They followed a tip that he would be in the south part of London; and they followed him there. The situation was tense. They did not speak to each other, each contemplating their own private revenge. They tracked him as he left the building.

After pursuing him for a few mere blocks, Tonks couldn't wait, she screamed out a stunning spell that shot him in the shoulder.

It had been too soon, she should have taken their time. His guard had been up, he was already suspicious of being trailed, and he was ready for it. He turned to face them wounded, but ready to attack. He got her with a nasty spell that knocked her off her feet.

Remus flooded in and disarmed him.

He stunned him with a spell that left the brute unconscious. They were lucky that they had caught him alone, other wise, it might never have been so easy.

He magically bonded their mark, resisting the urge to attack him further. He turned to Tonks, who lay fallen on the ground. She didn't know it, but he cursed himself for not blocking the spell that incapacitated her. He had been too fixed on their mark.

He gathered her up in his arms, after apparating the Ministry sneak to Azkaban, where he would await trial. He held on to her and closed his eyes.

When he opened them, they were home. He lay her on the couch and knelt beside her, praying. He waved an awakening charm over her. As his hearted pulsed in waiting, her eyes fluttered and opened.

"I'm sorry," he uttered. "Are you ok? How do you feel?" He tried to swallow his panic, seeing that she was waking.

She stirred and sat up. "Smeg. Where is he?"

"Azkaban. It's ok, love, we got him. It's over."

"Oh, Remus. I'm so sorry. It's my bloody fault, I acted too fast," she said angrily.

"No, Dora, it's alright. It was a success."

"I could have compromised everything..."

"Shush. You did just fine, Dora. How do you feel?"

"Umm...just a little sick." She tilted back her head and placed a needed hand on her stomach.

"You need some tea," he asserted, and when to the kitchen to mix up the brew.

That man they were after was in part responsible for Sirius's death, and she had flubbed up her part of the mission. Her inaptitude nearly cost them his capture.

Her insides churned with resentment. Yet, Remus was there, sitting by her and comforting her. He'd salvaged the mission, and made sure the informant was taken in.

As she drank the tea, she began to settle down. Was it his immediacy, or his gentle manner that helped calm her choppy waters?

If she'd been paired with Moody, she'd be getting a lecture now that would only have compounded her misery. Remus gave her tea and a hug, a bit of comfort when she needed it the most.

This memory sustained her at times. To know at such a base level that he cared for her had become vital to her wellbeing.

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Lupin watched her drink her coffee now. Look how she held the mug with both hands. Look how her sleepy eyes open at its taste. Loving her was for him, inevitable. She was so full of life, so full of that which he wished to remind himself of why he lived; to experience life, that was so precious.

She came to him in times when he was most in need, when he was most quietly desperate for hope.

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It was shortly after Sirius's death. He had been alone in his room, sorting reminiscently through old photographs of the ones that had been taken from him.

He drank occasionally from a small flask of whiskey, having taken many pulls of comfort off it. She had knocked on his door and he didn't answer.

He didn't want her to see him in this state; half-drunk and having succumbed to melancholy. If he ignored her, maybe she'd believe that he was asleep. It didn't work.

Some invisible thing had given him away, and she turned the knob unbidden to allow herself entrance into his room.

"Remus? What are you doing?" She asked, her tone was soft. She approached him, knowing she was pushing some boundaries, but she didn't care. It was clear to her that he needed some company, whether he wanted some or not. She sat innocently beside him on his bed.

"Whatcha lookin' at?"

"Just some photographs."

"They look old."

"They are. Look...here's all of us at school."

"Gods...Is that James? He looks just like Harry."

"I think of that, too."

"Is that Sirius? He looks so young."

Remus paused and looked at her, then back at the photograph in question. He heaved a wary sigh.

"It seemed that everything was ahead of us, then. Like the world lay at our feet. How were we to know..."

He stared gloomily down at a picture of the four marauders, waving merrily without a care in the world. Tonks looked at him and turned the page of the photo album.

A photograph of the Potters wedding lay before them.

"Look how happy they were."

"James was the only one who got married?"

"Mhmm."

"Why?" She asked simply.

"Why?" He repeated. "Well, let's see...Sirius went to Azkaban, and Peter spent the next twelve years posing as a rat." He wondered where was she going with this.

"But you didn't, Remus. Why haven't you ever gotten married?"

As taken aback as he was, he managed to come up with an answer, the most obvious one to him.

"Tonks, I'm a werewolf. There's not much call for..." He could have continued, but she waved at him dismissive.

"Oh, come on, Remus. That's just an excuse." He could believe she could be so light about his lycanthropy. "There has to be another reason."

"I don't know what to say, Dora, I guess I just haven't met the right person."

"Well, then you should get out more. Come on, Remus, I'm starving, and Molly's gone home for the night. Come with me to the Leaky Cauldron and let's get a bite for dinner. I hate eating alone. What do you say?"

And he closed up the old album, put it away, and followed her out the door.

It had been just what he needed, someone to take him outside of himself. She would never let him wallow too long, and she'd never let him drown.

That was why he cherished her. She brought him to life, and reminded him constantly that life, was for the living.

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Back on the couch, Remus lowered his paper to look at his young friend. These feelings he had for her troubled him at times. Did they go too far? Did he have a right to love someone so beautiful and vibrant, when he in contrast was old and jaded?

Tonks caressed her mug and surveyed the chipping polish on her toenails. Sitting close to him, she prodded his leg playfully with her foot.

"Hey. Anything good in there?" She asked, referring to the paper.

"Yes, there is, actually. We're to be having a new Minister of Magic."

"Blimey! Does it say who it is?"

"No..."

"Damn... let me have a look." She scooted over on her knees, placing her arm around his shoulders for balance as she leaned over to read the paper.

The thoughts of an impending change of government were washed completely out of Lupin's mind, and all he could think of was her sudden proximity. She smelled like a buttercup. The soft flannel of her pajamas brushed his skin.

To be honest, this action was not completely unconscious on her part.

She had developed some serious feelings for him over the past year. If it had been anyone else, she would have already started flirting outright to see if it could go anywhere.

But this was Remus. What right did she have to love some one so masterful and mature, when she in contrast was so young and clumsy?

Boldness, however, was in her nature, and she waved those annoying thoughts aside. What could it hurt to simply gauge a reaction? And she did so enjoy just being close to him.

"No, it doesn't say," she muttered, scanning the page. "Damn."

At her malison, she managed to lose her balance and fell over his lap. Embarrassed, she scrambled to regain control while all Remus could do was laugh.

"Dora, if you wanted to see the comics, you'd have but to ask," he chuckled.

It pleased her so much to hear him laugh, her shame slipped away and she slumped beside him, he slung his arm around her.

Suddenly their faces seemed much to close, and the world that existed outside went uncommonly still and quiet. All she could hear was his breathing. All he could see was her eyes. He noted her pupils dilating. She felt the warmth surging from his skin.

Before he could tell himself not to, he put a hand up to her face, and stroked one apple cheek with the pad of his thumb. She inhaled and closed her eyes.

"Remus," she spoke his name while he wrestled with himself. He wanted to kiss her. He wanted to tell her how he felt about her.

"Yes?" His voice was strangled.

"Will you take me apple picking?"

Taken aback, he paused, then said, "Yes, of course." Puzzling, this girl always was. It was part of why he loved her.

They spent the rest of that morning being cozy on the couch, reading the paper and feeling light headed.

FIN

AN-Whoohoo! It's done. Hope you liked it. Still planning on doing a sequel, as soon as I can. Review, please! I would love you to review!


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